Tearin' Up The Mall
by Rebekah Jane
Summary: The shopping trip from hell. The Cullens take Bella to a new mall in Seattle and find that in the cruel world of retail, the vampire is not king. Rated T just in case.
1. OPERATION: GET THERE

**A/N: Hiya! So thank you to those people who reviewed my Bella/Emmett 'Brother' one-shot. You guys were very encouraging :) This is what I hope will be a fun story about the Cullens in the mall. Who knows how long it will be? Okay, I have two really important things to say before you read so PRETTY PLEASE read this first!**

**1: This is intended to be a funny story. I'm not saying it came out as a tragedy but I think it came out a bit boring. You have to understand that I'm not really into writing the really crazy comedy stories. You know, where Emmett's a two year old and Alice is on speed? YOU KNOW THE ONES! Anyway, I promise this will get better with later chapters.**

**2: I'm an Australian, therefore I know nothing about the distance between Forks and Seattle, American malls or stores and pretty much anything like that. Let me know if I do something wrong, by all means, but please be considerate. Just warning you. **

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Edward wasn't there when I woke up. I felt a pang of annoyance, though I'd already known it would happen. I glanced at the alarm clock beside my bed. 8:14. I inwardly cursed myself and tumbled sleepily out of bed. The Cullens would be around to pick me up at 8:30, and knowing them, not a second later. We were headed to Seattle to check out the new mall. I had to marvel at their interest. Surely they'd seen more than their share of malls throughout their long lives? But they still seemed genuinely interested. I trudged down the hall with my bathroom bag to take a quick shower. Usually shopping with my pixie-like best friend was a monotonous chore, but this time all of the Cullen 'children' had agreed to come and I supposed that would be an interesting affair. I wore my regular jeans and a plain tee shirt; nothing fancy. Once I'd blow dried my hair I had just enough time to wolf down some breakfast and brush my teeth before I heard a knock on the door. Like I had suspected, just on 8:30. I skipped down the stairs, jacket and purse in hand, and greeted them at the door. Alice's face was a definite stand out from the crowd. She wore an expression that I could only compare to the look on my mom's face when she won a backstage pass to see Bon Jovi.

"Hey guys," I smiled, closing the door behind me and locking it.

Edward took my hand as we walked down the steps to their two cars. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper all piled into the Jeep and Edward opened the door for me to get into his Volvo.

"See you guys there!" Alice called excitedly. I groaned inwardly. I was starting to take back my optimistic feelings about today.

"She'll behave," Edward soothed me, as if he could feel my exasperation.

I laughed lightly, "It's times like these that I think you actually can read my mind,"

Edward grinned, "Oh, I wish,"

The rest of the drive was fairly quiet, not that I minded. There didn't seem to be such a thing as an awkward silence between Edward and I. I counted this a very good thing, as it was a long drive. Of course, Edward and his family drove like maniacs so the drive wouldn't take too long.

A while into the trip (I estimated halfway) the Jeep indicated that it would be stopping at the petrol station. Edward followed them in to top up. I got out to stretch my legs while Edward filled the pump. Suddenly, two large hands grabbed me from behind. I yelped as they lifted me and kicked any part of the man I could get. I looked to Edward for help but he was just rolling his eyes.

"Calm down, little sister!"

I groaned as Emmett set me down.

"You scared the life out of me!" I complained.

"You really think Edward would let anything happen his precious?" Emmett simpered, making a ridiculous face.

"Edward, we're swapping Rosalie and Jasper for Bella," Alice chirped, taking my hand and leading me to the Jeep.

"But-" I started, but Alice cut me off.

"But nothing," she said, "We want to spend some time with you, too!"

I looked back at Edward helplessly and he threw me an apologetic smile. Rosalie and Jasper stepped out of the Jeep looking a little worse for wear. I couldn't blame them for their irritated looks, a car ride with Emmett and Alice surely wasn't fun.

Emmett ran ahead and held open the passenger door for me with an elegant sweep of his arm.

"Milady," he said pompously.

I heaved myself into the huge thing and strapped myself in (it had taken a lot of practise but I'd finally gotten it).

Emmett filled the tank while Alice went in to pay and then we were off again. As soon as the engine roared to life, music blared through the stereo. I didn't recognize the loud and obnoxious rock song. I clamped my hands to my ears. Emmett turned the music to an acceptable volume.

"Oops, sorry," he teased, "I forgot we have a delicate human on board,"

The rest of the drive consisted of human jokes, car games and singing. Edward gave me a questioning look as I got out and I gave him a 'don't ask' kind of look.

The new mall was grand. It almost looked like a little city in itself. Alice gave a squeal that spelled 'impending doom' and I was very much regretting I'd come. Again, Edward took my hand and we followed the group inside the enormous glass doors. Immediately we were assaulted by 'GRAND OPENING SALE' signs of every colour, flocks of teenagers and squealing children. We were on the bottom floor, and looking up I could see there were at least five more. Alice took the lead, pushing through crowds to get to the directory that stood by a gigantic fountain.

"Alright guys, let's meet here at this fountain in 4 hours." Alice instructed after some consideration of the map.

This time my groan was audible, "You can shop for 4 hours?"

Alice gave me a 'duh' face and I kept quiet.

Immediately, Alice and Rosalie headed to some clothing store. Alice tried to drag me along but I slipped behind Edward and hid.

"Fine, but I'll get you soon!" she warned. I shuddered.

The remainder of studied the map for something interesting. I pinpointed a bookstore on the third floor. Emmett wanted to go to the Apple store to try an iPad and Jasper and Edward seemed to just want to trail along. We headed up the escalators to the second floor.

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**Alright guys, so what did you think? Love it? Hate it? Oh well, you're getting another chapter whether you like it or not. Feel free to leave constructive criticism but please remember that this is a light hearted story, not Shakespeare. Righty-oh, next up we have a confrontation in the Apple store! **


	2. BUT WHY BUY AN IPAD?

**A/N: Heya! Hope you all liked the first chapter. This one is considerably funnier, I hope. Please, please, please review! I love reviews! I'll only update if people want me to, so let me know! Okay then, enjoy!**

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**READ FIRST: In this chapter I pretty much step on everyone's toes; Southerners, women etc. Please note that everything I say is completely a joke. Please don't take anything to heart, I don't mean any of it. I love everybody, it was just for the purpose of the story. Please, please, please don't take any offense!**

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The Apple store was already pretty packed when we arrive. We fought our way through the crowds into the futuristic technology haven. It took us a few minutes to find the iPads.

"This is awesome!" Emmett yelped excitedly. I frowned.

"Isn't this just a bigger iPod Touch?" I asked.

Emmett groaned, "Bella, please! This iPad is so much cooler!"

"Why?" I challenged.

"Well, it's bigger!" he started.

"Harder to carry around,"

"You can read books on it,"

"Real books don't run out of power,"

"Uh… It can-"

"Emmett, really, give me one good reason that an iPod Touch user should go out and buy an iPad."

Emmett looked vexed, "Well, it's… I mean… It's just the principle of the thing, okay?"

I laughed, "No, not okay. I don't get it,"

"She has a point," Jasper said, prodding the iPad, "This is pretty lame, Em,"

I grinned triumphantly as Emmett scowled.

"Whatever, Bella, I'm gonna settle this," he proclaimed.

Before I could ask exactly how he would settle it, Emmett grabbed a employee. I gasped a he tugged the poor boy over by his shirt. He must have been about 17 with one of those long sweepy haircuts that I saw on a lot of guys lately. His name tag read 'Adam'.

"Adam, buddy," Emmett began, placing an arm around the kid's shoulders.

Edward looked furious, sending Emmett daggers with his eyes and Jasper looked disbelieving.

"My friend here," Emmett said, gesturing to me, "Is doubting the awesome power of the iPad. Care to set her straight?"

Adam looked mortified, "Uh, yeah, man… Listen, you might want to take that up with management, I just work here,"

Emmett put on a shocked face, "You mean you can't even tell me one little amazing thing about the product you're pushing on all these innocent people?"

"Come on, man, I'm just trying to earn some money. The iPad's great, I guess," Adam muttered, flustered. I had to hold back a giggle. He looked so uncomfortable.

"Adam, m'boy, I need you to be honest with me. Is there any reason why I should buy this expensive piece of technology at all?" Emmett stared Adam straight in the eyes with the most serious expression ever.

"Emmett," Edward seethed, "Let it go,"

"Edward, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for his rights. I, for one, believe that it's my right to have been completely informed about and have complete confidence in a product that I'm willing to spend so much money on. So just let me handle this,"

I might have died laughing at the look on Edward's face. Shoppers had begun to pause and watch us and I knew it was only a matter of time before-

"What's going on here?"

Of course. I sighed and turned as the manager stalked up to us. She was a short, thick woman with short cropped hair and a mean expression. She wore no makeup and rainbow wristband. I bit my lip and prayed that Emmett didn't make any of his 'kitchen' jokes that he had become so fond of. This lady didn't look like she would have a bar of it.

"Well?" she demanded, "What's going on?"

"Nothing, ma'am, we were just-" Edward began, placing a hand on my back to guide me out.

"We were just wondering if this young man here could give us some more information about this product," Emmett interrupted loudly.

"And you couldn't do it quietly?" the manager asked sternly.

I picked up a hint of a Southern accent. Unfortunately, so did Emmett.

"Jasper!" he said, shoving his brother forward, "You speak hick! Tell this kind woman that we mean no harm, we're just browsing,"

Jasper narrowed his eyes and stepped back, mumbling angrily. The woman's face turned a very unattractive shade of red.

"Young man, were you planning on buying anything?" she seethed, obviously trying incredibly hard to get each word out calmly.

"Well not if nobody will tell me how good the iPad is!" Emmett whined.

I cringed.

"Come on Emmett, let's go," Edward growled.

"Young man, if you want to know more about any of our products I suggest you look them up on our website,"

"They're nicer over at Microsoft," Emmett said.

There was a collective 'ooh' from the younger of our audience. I even giggled.

"Young man, I'd like you and your friends to vacate the store, please," the manager said, looking exhausted.

"Maybe I'll just buy a Kindle," Emmett said loudly.

"OUT!"

And then we ran. I'd never laughed so hard in my life. Edward's mad expression just made it even funnier.

"That. Was. Insane." I wheezed, clutching my side and still spluttering with laughter.

"Emmett if you ever do that again, I swear-" Edward began.

"Oh lighten up, bro!" Emmett laughed, "It's not like we've never done anything like that before,"

"We could get arrested if you keep that up. That might be fine for you but Bella's not going to jail," Edward growled.

"Bella didn't do anything!" Emmett sighed, "Let us have fun! That was great, right Jazz? Jazz?"

"Go to hell," Jasper hissed.

"Oh my god, I have the lamest brothers ever! Jazz, I was just joking. Come on, it was perfect!" Emmett threw his hands in the air, "Bella had fun, right?"

I pressed my lips in a hard line to hold back a grin but I wasn't fooling anybody.

"Just don't do it again," I giggled.

We headed to the next escalator, still giggling.

"Besides, she had it coming," Emmett said casually, "A woman belongs in the kitchen,"

"Emmett!" I groaned.

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**So that's that. Let me know what you thought! I shouldn't have to say it again but I will because I'm paranoid: I'M ONLY JOKING! Please take no offense! Okay then, I haven't decided what's next so you'll just have to wait and see!**


	3. HOMIES LOVE DEM BOOKS

**A/N: Many thanks to user 'niqha' for reviewing this story and my one-shot! You're awesome :) On the review note, I'd really love it if other people told me their opinion. Tell me you love it, tell me you hate it, tell me I suck and should never write again, I don't mind! Just tell me something! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Feel free to give me suggestions about what kind of situations the group should get into. Don't worry, Alice and Rosalie will come back into the story later.**

**WARNING: Some coarse language in this chapter. You've been warned.**

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I placed my arm around Edward's waist soothingly as we proceeded to the third floor. He gave me a weak smile.

We spotted the bookstore quickly and headed in. Edward insisted on ghosting Emmett's every move to keep him out of trouble, so I perused the aisles alone. I paused to check out some vampire fiction, giggling at some of the more ridiculous points. I passed Jasper having a heated discussion with a civil war book. And then I finally found what I had been looking for. My mom's birthday was coming up and I'd decided to get her a book on beading. This was on par with her latest hobby. I'd been reassured over the phone by her and an exasperated Phil that every inch of the house was decorated with a beaded piece. I had immediately felt a little homesick; it was usually hilarious to watch my mom begin a new hobby. She wasn't a quick learner in most cases.

"Yo, books man!"

I glanced at the door and rolled my eyes. Lopsided caps, oversized shoes and pants to the ground. The G's were in town. Three boys swaggered in, making loud obnoxious sounds. The pretty, young girl behind the counter looked nervous. The guy in the lead gave her the 'Sup' nod. I met her gaze and gave her a reassuring 'I know' kind of look.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as the gang proceeded down the aisle that Jasper lurked in. One held out his hand to do their little 'hand click' thing. Jasper raised his eyebrows.

"Yo, guys, we got ourselves a tough guy," the G said, leaning back animatedly.

I looked around for Edward and Emmett but they were nowhere to be found.

"What ya reading, tough guy?" the G asked, getting far too close than was safe around Jasper. I quickly set my book back down and rushed over. I could hardly stop him if he decided to attack, but maybe I could talk some sense into him. I pushed past the G's and stood by Jasper.

"Jazz, we should go," I said firmly.

"Oh damn,"

I ignored the G's and stared meaningfully at Jasper.

"Oh daamn,"

Jasper was fighting back a grin as he looked back at me and shook his head.

"Oh hot daaaamn!"

"Have you got a problem?" I snapped, rounding on the G's.

The G's let out a chorus of 'ooh's and 'snap's.

"Oh damn, girl, I've got a problem. I'm feeling kinda lonely over here and you are looking fiiine,"

"No thank you. But maybe one of your bitches would like to cheer you up?" I spat back. I felt Jasper shaking with silent laughter beside me.

"Let's go, Jasper, I'm done here," I said forcefully.

"Jasper?" Head G drawled, "Damn, girl, ditch grandpa and come hang with us. We can show you a real good time,"

I opened my mouth to fire back a witty retort. I hadn't thought of it yet but I was sure it would have been outstanding. Perhaps it was lucky that Jasper cut in first.

"Grandpa?" he laughed, "Well, if that's the case, back in 'my day' we didn't talk to a lady like that,"

I giggled at the truth of it but I was also nervous. The checkout girl was the only other person in the shop. She was watching us anxiously. I felt very sorry for her. The tiny thing could never break up a fight.

"Well this is our day, pops," the G was saying when I looked back at them.

Before Jasper could retort, I stepped forward, "Okay, guys that's enough. Unless you're planning on settling this with a rap battle, this isn't gonna be pretty. So let's end this here and say good day."

I grabbed Jasper's arm, "Now. Let's. Go.""Damn, girl, I love a bitch in charge. Whip me, girl, tell me I'm bad," the G called, laughing and grabbing his… Well, it was indecent, that's all I wanted to know.

I really wished Jasper would grab me and steer me out. I could feel my blood boiling.

I stepped closer to the G's, drawing up all the height I could muster.

"Alright, that's it. You can swagger around with your 'homies' pretending to be big boys all you want, but don't you dare think I'll let you talk to me like that. I dare you to step out into the real world acting like this. You'd be eaten alive in two seconds. Pull your pants up and get some class!"

Jasper pulled me out by the collar. The distant yells of the G's sounded faint over the sound of my own heart throbbing with adrenaline. Edward and Emmett were standing just outside the bookstore, waiting for us with confused expressions. Only when I was firmly in place in between the boys did Jasper let me go.

"Edward, a word of advice." Jasper said, his voice strung with exhaustion, "Never let this girl anywhere near teenagers,"

"What did she do?" Edward asked. He looked me over and, satisfied that I wasn't hurt, grinned.

"This little fireball of yours," Jasper groaned, "Just picked a fight with a group of gangsters."

Emmett roared, slapping his thigh. I fluttered inwardly, suddenly proud of myself. Edward looked suddenly appalled.

"They were hardly gangsters," I reassured him, "Just some losers playing dress up,"

Jasper rolled his eyes, clearly displeased. I grinned at him good naturedly.

"Oh come on, you'd have eaten them if I hadn't stepped in,"

"You gave them a lecture!" Jasper shuddered, "It was weird!"

I laughed.

While Jasper relayed the whole incident for Edward and Emmett, I checked my watch. We'd only been shopping for a little over half an hour. I sighed.

"So where to next?" Emmett asked, after recovering from another laughing fit at my antics.

"Anywhere that you or Bella aren't likely to pick a fight," Jasper demanded instantly.

"THE ARCADE!" Emmett suddenly exclaimed.

"…Not what I had in mind," Jasper sighed.

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**'Kay guys, you know how it is. Please review! Next chapter is on it's way...**


	4. HARDCORE GAMER RAGE

**A/N: Oh hai! Thank you, first off, to my two reviewers! You guys rock :) So I wasn't going to update for a while but I got a new review so after I bounced off the walls in glee I decided to write this. I hope you all like it. Bella gets a bit OOC here, but it's a comedy story so I hope I can be excused. I'll try and get a new chapter out soon and, as always, please review and give suggestions! Kay, enjoy!**

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The arcade was a shining, loud, glittering gem right in the middle of the food court on the fourth floor. Jasper, it seemed, had reached his last nerve and broke off to find Alice and Rosalie. Edward looked queasy at the thought of the teenager-filled, acid trip of an arcade. Emmett held out his arm and I linked mine with his, giggling. We skipped right on in.

Immediately, I was assaulted by beeping of every frequency. There was a babble of voices, all who sounded happy. Emmett and I swapped wide grins. I remembered the arcade back in Phoenix. It wasn't as big as this, but it was amazing. My small group of friends and I would spend hours in there, until our fingers hurt. The prize exchange people knew my name.

I instantly recognized all my favourites, and more. And then I recognized the sweetest thing I'd ever seen in my life. My knees were weak as I stumbled forward. It was sitting there, nestled between the other, mediocre games, beeping quietly, patiently, waiting for it's next player. The pure beauty of it struck me right in the chest like a harpoon of sunshine.

"OH MY GOD! PONG!" I shrieked.

I ran right to the little game and shoved my hands in my pockets, pulling out all the change I found. I found a coin and shoved it into the slot. I let out a tortured groan as I realised it didn't fit. I frantically began trying every other coin I had.

"Um, Bella," Emmett said timidly.

"What?" I snapped, not taking my eyes off the coin slot.

"You have to get tokens,"

My shoulders slumped and I let my head hang, defeated. The Pong machine beeped daringly, as if challenging me.

"But I have to play Pong!" I whined.

Edward was looking at me with a disturbed and confused expression. Honestly, I was a sucker for vintage games. I'd never seen Pong in arcade form and something about this place had me at my most crazy.

"Emmett, Edward," I stood up straight and grabbed their shoulders, positioning them in front of the machine, "Guard Pong,"

I stalked off to find the token exchange machine, leaving the boys to swap bewildered expressions. I tapped my foot impatiently as I waited in line for my tokens. I pulled a crisp ten dollar note out of my purse and finally fed it to the machine. It promptly spat out my tokens and I rushed them back to the Pong machine. Edward and Emmett were standing right where I left them.

"Alright Pong, it's just you and me now," I said when they moved. I inserted two coins and handed the rest to Emmett. The Pong machine chimed a simple melody and flashed. I grabbed the joystick.

"Now be prepared, because I am very good at Pong," I declared.

The little square appeared on screen and I took control of the paddle. And the square went through. Edward and Emmett snickered as I gasped.

"No, shut up, that was just a practise run. I was getting used to the controls," I growled.

The square appeared again. This time, I deflected it. And again. And again. The little square puttered in between mine and the computer's paddles. I kept my eyes sharp on it, never taking it out of my full attention.

"You really made such a big deal over this?" Edward asked after a few minutes.

"Come on, Edward, you were around when this first came out. Surely you can appreciate how amazing this is?" I snapped, trying not to divert my attention.

"Exactly, I was around when this was made. So I've had my fair share of it," Edward scoffed. I could tell he was just loving this. I hissed under my breath.

"Whatever, Bella, we're gonna go play Tekken," Emmett laughed.

My head popped up. I heard the beeping sound of the little square slipping past my paddle but I didn't care.

"Tekken?" I whispered.

My old friend.

We played a few rounds of Tekken. Edward, it turned out, was incredibly good at Tekken and Emmett was a… Well, he didn't take losing very well. Once he'd calmed down enough to speak in coherent sentences, we took to the Dance Dance Revolution platform. This was one we didn't have back in Phoenix. After watching Emmett play a round I decided that this game certainly wasn't for me. Edward wasn't really up for dancing, either, so we cheered Emmett through three rounds. Again, Emmett showed his sore loser side when he put a few feet wrong and lost the round.

We were left with six tokens. We skimmed all the games, considering car games, when we came across the hoops. Four cages in a row, each with eight small basketballs and hoops at the back. Completely simple and very fun. We took three of the cage and each inserted two coins. The game board lit up and a recording that we could barely hear over the rest of the noise in the arcade screamed sporting phrases at us. Finally, the scoreboard prompted us to begin. Edward and Emmett were slightly handicapped, having to slow down to make it look natural, but their accuracy was almost perfect. I looked dismal beside them, throwing like my heart depended on it but never actually landing any in the hoop. Fifteen seconds were left on the clock and things were getting serious. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd never win, so I stood back to watch Edward and Emmett. They were both well into the forties and still going strong. I could see determination etched on their faces ad they played, tossing with one hand and grabbing their next ball with the other. A little crowd of teenagers were crowding around, watching in awe. Five seconds left and I think they'd forgotten they were in public. I got ready to interfere if they worked too fast.

Three seconds, and Emmett's basketballs snagged on each other as the rolled down to him. Two seconds and Edward took the lead by three. One second and Emmett was cursing like a sailor as he threw. The crowd was on the edge of their seats (figuratively) as the ending whistle sounded. Edward had one. He turned around with a winner's grin, the kind where you're trying to look modest but really you want to grin and gloat your butt off. I gave him a light, congratulatory kiss on the cheek and turned my attention to Emmett.

I yelped. "Emmett! For god's sake!" I yelled.

Emmett had climbed into the cage and was stuffing the basketballs down the hoop, yelling and swearing. Edward hissed. He reached into the cage and grabbed Emmett's collar, tugging him out of the cage and out of the arcade just as the uniformed workers began to close in on us. We escaped just in time.

"Are you crazy?" I yelled, "It's just a game!"

"I should have won!" Emmett yelled at Edward, ignoring me, "I want a rematch,"

"Emmett, we're never going back in that arcade. Ever," Edward vowed quietly, trying to divert the curious onlookers.

We walked in a stony silence, Emmett mad at Edward, Edward mad at Emmett and I, mad at… Well, I was mad.

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**So, did you like it? Huh? Huh? BTW, if you're wondering about the games in the story, I'll give a quick explanation.**

**PONG - Pretty much the first game ever. Two paddles and a little square. Kinda like extremely basic air hockey.**

**TEKKEN - Fighting game. Best game ever. Pretty regular as far as fighting games go.**

**DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION - Four pads on the ground with arrows. Music plays and arrows light on the screen, indicating the pads you have to step on. Very hard.**

**Okay, well that's it. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


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